Monster Change

Now I'm posted to Hematology ward. My HO leader wants me in ID, but my MO doesn't want to let me go. She wants me to stay. I'll just have to wait, CM to see how it goes. I'm quite comfortable in Hematology ward already...

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After going through halfway through housemanship, I do notice changes. I think it's for the worse in some aspect.

I have become the monster that I despise most when I see the monsters (some of my MOs or specialists) that I dislike and hope not to be. In my struggle to perform for others, I have succeeded in slowly chipping away some of my past existence, revealing the ugly caterpillar one so much wished to hide. A reverse transformation of nature, that may only come with stress and power and greed and desire to self-preserve.

Wings that sprout to fly are made of leather and bones instead of soft, feathers. I may soar high but less than grace. My breath becomes fire all of a sudden that singes hearts if not burn outright.

Is this how the course of things go? Where one forgets the very being he once was and strive to improve or at least maintains?

I loath when my superiors act on impulse and emotions. Disregarding the feelings of others. Breeding only contempt and a vicious cycle of loathing. I today have succeeded in succumbing to anger from that irrational emotion. My mild, growing wrath licking like fire the hearts of my dear colleague, my co-working staff nurses.

For becoming a monster, I apologize.

I long for humanity once more. For humility that I should be.

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Sudden Death

Again I haven't blogged here in awhile. Updates: I'm currently in Medical posting, it's already been about 2 months. So far I'm enjoying the posting quite a bit but the amount of death I'm seeing weekly. Today was another except that this was an unexpected one...

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A patient was admitted into female medical extension for acute flare of rheumatoid arthritis. In casualty she was given PCM, tramadol, morphine and fentanyl but none seem to have helped. She was still in severe pain on admission.

We brought my MO to see the patient first when she came in to start her rounds. We thought we'd get back to her later to solve her pain issues at the end.

"She won't die from the pain."

Whether she died from the pain or not I'm not too sure, but she did die today.

Halfway through the ward rounds, the staff nurse informed me that the patient was not breathing. She was right. I called my MO and we initiated resuscitation. Oh how there were so many inadequacies at the moment when every second counts.

1. No crash cart in the ward
2. Patient's only IV line was blue and not functioning
3. Oxygen thank was not by the bedside
4. We couldn't open the patient's jaw for intubation; temporomandibular RA

We couldn't manage to revive her after 30 minutes of trying. She passed away.

Our impression was drug overdose from the amount of opioids given to treat her pain. I'm more inclined to believe it was hypoglycemia as her DXT showed LO value. Later we found out that someone from the A&E sent her blood for dengue serology IgM which turned out to be positive. Did dengue kill her?

Whatever her cause of death, it came swiftly, unexpectedly. We were caught unaware and unprepared. Death is like that. It comes when nobody expects it. But we can still prepare. We all know how. It's only a matter of implementation.