Monster Change

Now I'm posted to Hematology ward. My HO leader wants me in ID, but my MO doesn't want to let me go. She wants me to stay. I'll just have to wait, CM to see how it goes. I'm quite comfortable in Hematology ward already...

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After going through halfway through housemanship, I do notice changes. I think it's for the worse in some aspect.

I have become the monster that I despise most when I see the monsters (some of my MOs or specialists) that I dislike and hope not to be. In my struggle to perform for others, I have succeeded in slowly chipping away some of my past existence, revealing the ugly caterpillar one so much wished to hide. A reverse transformation of nature, that may only come with stress and power and greed and desire to self-preserve.

Wings that sprout to fly are made of leather and bones instead of soft, feathers. I may soar high but less than grace. My breath becomes fire all of a sudden that singes hearts if not burn outright.

Is this how the course of things go? Where one forgets the very being he once was and strive to improve or at least maintains?

I loath when my superiors act on impulse and emotions. Disregarding the feelings of others. Breeding only contempt and a vicious cycle of loathing. I today have succeeded in succumbing to anger from that irrational emotion. My mild, growing wrath licking like fire the hearts of my dear colleague, my co-working staff nurses.

For becoming a monster, I apologize.

I long for humanity once more. For humility that I should be.

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