O&G Revisit: The Bully

I had an MO (name with held but you'd know whom I'm talking about). He was a bully.

He would deliberately find excuse to 'kenakan' new HOs in the department (seriously!). His mood is like a playground see-saw, happy at one spectrum and a nuclear bomb at the other! He even admitted his mood swings and sometimes apologized for it.

My first incident with him was when I had my case note flung to the floor in PAC. I think he was angry with me for not writing well (I don't really remember now).

My second, when I scrubbed up for an emergency C-sec and I couldn't get through to the Peds MO oncall for standby. Baby came out flat, blue alert was called and he was furious with me throughout the whole closing of the patient's ab.

I've seen him calling up HOs for not filling in certain forms or writing in a style he didn't like. There was a time he told us he would find faults in the case note just so that he could find an excuse to scold a HO.

Well that was the worst of him.


On the bright side, after the blue-alert event, he did tell me nicely what I did wrong after I approached him and told him how sorry I am and that it was a mistake. He advised me not to take it personally as he just can't control himself at times and to learn from my mistakes.

He also thought some stuff in the labor room like what to look for in the CTG and during vaginal exams.

During my last few days of O&G, he gave me a chance to do a C-sec with him thus getting a very much needed C-sec performance in my logbook.
 

Much of the scoldings and the bullyings though unwarranted most times do sometimes provide the much needed eye-opener. And bad guys are not always bad (though they may be on the bad side of the spectrum).

He is still in the department and from what I hear from other HOs he is still the time-bomb he was when I was in O&G. But I do hope he does well and cool down a bit.

Well that's life.


Tips: Ambil yang baik, buang yang buruk, bersyukur.

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ps: I am so glad to be out of that department! =)

Final Posting: Anesthesiology

I remembered Prof Arif, my dear, Anesthesiologist lecturer in IIUM telling us how we should advise patient's going for op to pray as when the patient sleeps, it might be his last.

Undergoing anesthesiology rotation, I now can appreciate that anesthesiology is not a department where the anesthetist just 'intubate and extubate' or 'spinal' and just sit around in between.

Putting patient's to death with medications , maintaining airways and heart regulations while the patient is unaware, and reversing them back to life. Ventilator bag and machine replaces the patient's lungs, manipulation of his heart comes as easily with a push of the syringe plunger with the correct drug at the correct dosage.

My first impression of the anesthetist are that they control life itself!

Of course all this requires extensive knowledge on physiology and pharmacology to master this unique discipline. Just into my second month, I see that things do go wrong and shit happens and when it does, the patient's life can just slip from your fingers, and losing a patient on table is a horrible feeling when the patient (and family members) have entrusted you to keep him safe while surgery is on-going.

Things go wrong when you least expect them, ASA I patients, supposedly those undergoing short and routine procedures (I&D, CMR,  D&C).

Being put under is just damn scary. Putting someone under is just as scary. I have done a few successful intubations (20 is still considered few), and each time I still pray and hope that nothing goes wrong while I look for that vocal cords, epiglottis and put the tube in. This is by far the scariest procedures that I have to perform as a house officer.

Going through anesthesiology for 2 weeks in med school and 4 months as a HO is a very big gap. But that 2 weeks thought me a lot. Getting consent, RSI and inductions, MALESSS, holding a face mask properly and assembling the mask-valve-bag. And most important, the need to pray that things do not go wrong and the appreciation that life only belongs to Him and He is the controller of all life.


Lessons and Tips:

* It's OK to not be able to intubate. It's lethal to not being able to VENTILATE.
* MALESSS before intubating. It's a must!
* Label your medications.
* Check and check and check your blood products before giving them.
* Do NOT take things for granted.
* Remember that life is in GOD's hands. You are not god.

On the Table

I awake, only to die on the table
Pushed by bodies able
Through the door to the unknown
On my journey alone


Spark to those in need
Aiding best to those diseased
I greet him at the door
To push across the marble floor


Squeaky wheels turn
My inside burns
Fear of darkness
In a room brightest


My preparations complete
Although its no guarantee
My weapons to heal
Are those that might also kill


I am resigned to fate
This might just be my death bed
Again I'm put to sleep
I might never wake...



Life then lands
His lungs in my hands
Heart beats on screen
First cut done clean


He lies still
As his insides revealed
Blood pours then restored
How long can this mortal body endure?


'Wake up' I hear
What's far sounds so near
My eyes open I see
Life, has been given back to me

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The Assessment

Started HDU today. Patient's are quite stable for now and not much movement. Things will be busier this Monday... Had a patient whom was tachycardic the whole day. Didn't think of it much till I noticed she had a temperature and BP was starting to drop. All after the relatives noticed.

I should have acted sooner. Fluid challenge and antibiotics stat. Because in sepsis, everything can change when you act just one few moments sooner...

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I passed my assessment with a 70% mark. For the more academic and curious I'll share the topics:

• ECG: Pulseless ventricular tachycardia
• ECG: Complete heart block
• CT brain: Hemorrhagic stroke
• CXR: Pneumothorax
• Gen Med: Diabetes mellitus
• Clinical: Organophosphate poisoning
• Resuscitation: Hyponatremia and hypokalemia
• Resuscitation: Neutropenic sepsis

I don't think I did great. What the assessment showed me was how weak I was in medicine and management and how unsystematic I am. I think that's what assessments are about. To assess what you don't know rather thank what you know. Identifying your weak points helps you realize your weakness so you can work on it and take it to the next level. The questions are all med school stuff. Yet I still fumbled with answering.

And this is on paper.

Real life is different. More factors are equated in. Staff, teamwork, patient's character, your own character, the ward environment, the hospital system, your superiors, and of course your cases. Some people manage well in-situ, under pressure. I am not one of those people. But repetition and practice helps. The more you experience the better you get. You don't turn super overnight. Heck, you don't become great after months of practice.

I shouldn't therefore be too happy that I'm already a few more steps to leaving medical. I might be leaving but still lacking in the necessary skills and knowledge. This could be dangerous. longer stay however may just provide that extra push to develop.

After all that said... No way I'm staying in medical more than I have to :p I'm stressed with the work, but enjoy it at times. It's one of the only postings where opportunity to learn and practice independently is abundant.

I hope I've learned something and continue to learn.

Monster Change

Now I'm posted to Hematology ward. My HO leader wants me in ID, but my MO doesn't want to let me go. She wants me to stay. I'll just have to wait, CM to see how it goes. I'm quite comfortable in Hematology ward already...

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After going through halfway through housemanship, I do notice changes. I think it's for the worse in some aspect.

I have become the monster that I despise most when I see the monsters (some of my MOs or specialists) that I dislike and hope not to be. In my struggle to perform for others, I have succeeded in slowly chipping away some of my past existence, revealing the ugly caterpillar one so much wished to hide. A reverse transformation of nature, that may only come with stress and power and greed and desire to self-preserve.

Wings that sprout to fly are made of leather and bones instead of soft, feathers. I may soar high but less than grace. My breath becomes fire all of a sudden that singes hearts if not burn outright.

Is this how the course of things go? Where one forgets the very being he once was and strive to improve or at least maintains?

I loath when my superiors act on impulse and emotions. Disregarding the feelings of others. Breeding only contempt and a vicious cycle of loathing. I today have succeeded in succumbing to anger from that irrational emotion. My mild, growing wrath licking like fire the hearts of my dear colleague, my co-working staff nurses.

For becoming a monster, I apologize.

I long for humanity once more. For humility that I should be.

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Sudden Death

Again I haven't blogged here in awhile. Updates: I'm currently in Medical posting, it's already been about 2 months. So far I'm enjoying the posting quite a bit but the amount of death I'm seeing weekly. Today was another except that this was an unexpected one...

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A patient was admitted into female medical extension for acute flare of rheumatoid arthritis. In casualty she was given PCM, tramadol, morphine and fentanyl but none seem to have helped. She was still in severe pain on admission.

We brought my MO to see the patient first when she came in to start her rounds. We thought we'd get back to her later to solve her pain issues at the end.

"She won't die from the pain."

Whether she died from the pain or not I'm not too sure, but she did die today.

Halfway through the ward rounds, the staff nurse informed me that the patient was not breathing. She was right. I called my MO and we initiated resuscitation. Oh how there were so many inadequacies at the moment when every second counts.

1. No crash cart in the ward
2. Patient's only IV line was blue and not functioning
3. Oxygen thank was not by the bedside
4. We couldn't open the patient's jaw for intubation; temporomandibular RA

We couldn't manage to revive her after 30 minutes of trying. She passed away.

Our impression was drug overdose from the amount of opioids given to treat her pain. I'm more inclined to believe it was hypoglycemia as her DXT showed LO value. Later we found out that someone from the A&E sent her blood for dengue serology IgM which turned out to be positive. Did dengue kill her?

Whatever her cause of death, it came swiftly, unexpectedly. We were caught unaware and unprepared. Death is like that. It comes when nobody expects it. But we can still prepare. We all know how. It's only a matter of implementation.

Housemanship and Birding

Both are of the same age of about 1 year plus. While both are similar in age, there is a difference between the two.

Sabah has provided me the opportunity for me to travel and bird widely, gaining experience and skills in bird identification. Along the way I have met new people with similar interest. The 'sports' is already becoming an obsession. Every free time in the early morning or late evening is spent to bird. With the shift system applied to house officers, birding opportunities have become even more abundant. My lifer list is now nearly at 250.

What about being a doctor, my true 'career', the job where I should put my dedication in making myself a better doctor? This is my 4th posting. I will be moving to my 5th if my department lets me. After 1 year plus, working as a doctor, I must admit that my skills and knowledge are not on par or to the level which I am satisfied. Sure, during the months of work I have gained experience and knowledge but honestly it is still inadequate in my humble opinion. Sure the shift system has given me a lot of free time for myself and sleep, but in the long run, it has made me more calculative and pampered. Within weeks after the implementation of the shift system I have forgotten the lethargy accompanying a busy oncall and to work the next day til end of office hours. I am honestly ashamed with my MOs whom are still obligated and dedicated to continue their work even being post-call.

Shift system is not all that bad or for birding. Perhaps I should capitalize with the extra free hours. Some of the things possible now are:
- Study for MRCP, MRCS or other exams
- Attend OTs or minor OTs to gain more hands-on experience
- Attach to pediatric surgery activities, my supposedly main interest in medicine.
- Read more on my spiritual aspects of life and other non-medical (and birding) aspects.


So where is my direction in my life career? Birds or Human lives?

Failure to change now would only lead to the detriment of my future patients. Islam demands the best in our work. To be the best requires realization and hard work as well as tawakal. Not solely the latter.